Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
