I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
