Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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