i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
