i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
