I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
