Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Randomize
