ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
