I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
