My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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