FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
God I need to hump something, right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
