i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
