Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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