I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
