I just pynch a tree in the face
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
