I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just threw up on my dentist
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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