Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
