And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize