a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
