i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize