Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
