I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
