I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
