"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
