roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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