Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
