how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
