Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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