i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
