Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
