the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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