the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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