At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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