why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just puked most of my soul out..
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