i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
