You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
