Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
