OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
