There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
