I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
