Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
