Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
