his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
