Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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