New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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