I wish my penis had an off switch
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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