making cat noises will not fix the situation.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
