glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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