I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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