oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize