i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
