The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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