The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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