he thought i was a dude.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
