i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize