I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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